i never claimed that my race and gender made people ‘afraid’ of me (although the extent to which that is true, and has happened, is certainly not negligible)
i think what i was getting at is that my time in the community, and i guess like…on this earth, has clouded my perception of an abuser/victim dichotomy
still, the way i have approached this particular situation, talking about this topic publicly, has been fueled largely by impatience. i’ve cared less about where these words are coming from and more that they’re being said at all. that’s not an effective way to do whatever i think i’m doing. this blog is now not a space for my opinions, no matter how important i might think they are.
a selfish wish of mine was to expose every single way this community has victimized me; that’s not relevant right now
perhaps all i can resign to is this:
that i have very much been abusive, to numerous people. you need to stand with the victims
and that this ‘safe space’ was never safe for me as a person of color. that is something for you to ponder, and something i don’t feel is ridiculous to point out.
i wish i never turned to abuse. i sincerely apologize for the pain i’ve caused.
i’m going to do everything i can to respect the privacy and space
of this community and my victims. i can’t be sorry that while i attempt to exit homelessness i take up any space at all in this city. i don’t want to be here. i’m doing what i can.